Today was filled with emotions, and I’m just trying to make sense of it all.
Here’s what happened…a few months ago my husband told me he was finally ready to have another baby. I emphasize the finally sarcastically because it really hasn’t been that long. We have a son that’s a year & a half, but it feels like forever to me since I was ready to have another two days after my son was born, being wheeled out of the hospital. Anyway so I had my birth control removed, we tried for a few months and nothing, which I understand is normal. But slowly I started to realize that my husband was becoming more and more stressed..and would mention how another baby would impact us financially…blah blah (I’m my ears) but I couldn’t ignore that fact that he was starting to doubt his decision. Each month I would get my period I couldn’t help but notice a tiny bit of relief on his part. On the contrary I’d be slightly disappointed.
Not wanting to have that resentment or doubt or whatever turn into something else if we did have a baby now, I asked him if he wanted wait. I knew he would have never told me on his own. And even though I was highly disappointed, I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t even hesitate to say yes. So I made another appointment to be back on birth control, this time the Depo shot. Today was the day.
I have been going over this in my head for a few weeks now. I knew it was coming. Logically I know it’s the best thing right now for our family. But I couldn’t help but be sad. Even as the doctor came in with the pregnancy test results, I had said one last little hopeful prayer that I could be pregnant. I was at the moment in life when my heart was screaming pregnancy and my head was shouting birth control. And my head won.
So I just wanted to share that my heart hurts today. I know all the reasons why I decided to do this today, and I stand by my decision that getting the birth control was the best choice for my family. I’m just waiting for my heart to catch up.